


Reg and Bertie

by HugeAlienPie



Category: Jeeves & Wooster
Genre: Dialogue-Only, First Time, M/M, Names
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-06
Updated: 2013-11-06
Packaged: 2017-12-31 16:53:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1034052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HugeAlienPie/pseuds/HugeAlienPie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There you're on with that 'sir' bit again. That's rather the horses out of the barn, wouldn't you say? I mean, now that we've...that is to say, since you and I have--now look here: I'm waggling my eyebrows in the suggestive fashion; it's no good your pretending to be thicker than the hair in Tubby Bridgnorth's nose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reg and Bertie

"What ho, Reg!"  
  
"Oh _no_ , sir."  
  
"What do you mean, 'Oh no'? Come to that, what do you mean by 'sir'? Ah, thank you. Nothing like a bit of the old slap-and-tickle to w. one's w., what?"  
  
"It is most...invigorating, sir."  
  
"There you're on with that 'sir' bit again. That's rather the horses out of the barn, wouldn't you say? I mean, now that we've...that is to say, since you and I have--now look here: I'm waggling my eyebrows in the suggestive fashion; it's no good your pretending to be thicker than the hair in Tubby Bridgnorth's nose."  
  
"I believe you are intimating, sir, that, having engaged in relations of a carnal nature, we have now attained a plateau of intimacy at which Christian names are indicated."  
  
"Spot on, Reg! I mean, here's us two, which is rather the most corking wheeze ever hatched in Berkley Mansions, you being a better match for yours truly than any of the fillies recently flung at the Wooster corpus--I say, old thing, you haven't done it on purpose, have you? The fillies, I mean."  
  
"Have I been intentionally stymieing your matrimonial prospects in hopes of securing your affections for myself?"  
  
"Yes. That."  
  
"No, sir. Had a fitting match for you presented itself, I would have applied myself vigorously to its consummation--and will still do so, should the opportunity arise. However, so long as the front-runners in the connubial foot-race continued to be the Honoria Glossops, Madeline Bassetts, and Ladies Florence Craye of the world, I judged the nuptials better impeded than encouraged."  
  
"Truer words and all that, Reg! But, wait, what was that bit about 'should the opportunity arise'?"  
  
"Merely, sir, that should a suitable uxorial candidate become known to us, I shall do my utmost to secure a felicitous arrangement."  
  
"Well...what if I consider _this_ a 'felicitous arrangement' and don't wish to muck about with exo-whatsis, suited or no?"  
  
"Then I hasten to assure you that your sentiments are warmly reciprocated, and that I shall delight in fulfilling the role for as long as you desire it. I, ah, believe you'll find that that unfastens at the back, sir."  
  
"So it does! Now, let's have no more of this 'sir' rubbish, what? I mean, we've just tied the knot in the old ball and chain, more or less, and--I say, that feels _awfully_ nice."  
  
"I am gratified to hear it, sir. The method originates in the Polynesian archipelago of Micronesia."  
  
"Does it, indeed? Hmm. Well, as I was saying, we've just pledged our 'til-death-dos and whatnot; surely I could say, 'What ho, Reg,' and you'd say, 'What ho, Bertie,' and all would be as ooja-cum-spiff as morning rain."  
  
"If you could move just a _trifle_ to your left, sir; thank you. You do paint an Arcadian idyll, sir. Alas, such patterns of familiarity, once established, become difficult to dislodge. I shudder to consider the consequences should you call me Reginald or I you Bertram, for instance, in Mrs. Gregson's presence...I'm sorry, sir; did you not find that technique pleasant?"  
  
"Oh, no no, it was bally _brimming_ with pleasantness. But your injection of my Aunt A. into the convo.--as generally, I might say, the injection of aged a.s into _any_ sitch--quite puts one out of the clover."  
  
"I deeply regret the necessity, sir."  
  
"Ah, well. Your point, barbed though it is, is well-taken. Jeeves it'll have to be, I suppose. But can't we do something about this deuced 'sir' business? Given the recent alter-whatsit in our circs., there's a jot too much of the feudal spirit in it now--the young master taking liberties and whatnot."  
  
"Understood, sir. What would you prefer I call you instead?"  
  
"Well, hmm...how about, erm, nothing, I guess, at least when we're at home. I know you take rather a dim view of the Wooster motherwit, as re: quantities in the Bertram bean, but I assure you I _do_ know when I'm being addressed if I'm the only other person in the room!"  
  
"Very good, s--very good. I will attempt the change."  
  
"Corking! Ah, it's a new day, Jeeves. A new leaf, a new dawn, a new...well, whatever else is new, I suppose."  
  
"Might I request that you not continue that particular motion?"  
  
"You see before you a cove ready to cast aside the idle follies of bachelorhood and clasp to my bosom the solemn pursuits. Bird-watching, improving books, that sort of thing."  
  
"Perhaps if you rubbed with slightly less vigour--"  
  
"I promise you, Jeeves: I will be a B. you can be proud of."  
  
"That is actually somewhat _painful_ , sir."  
  
"Is it? Why the deuce didn't you say something right off? Here, is that better?"  
  
"Much, sir; thank you."  
  
"Honest intercourse, Jeeves--if that's the word I want--that's the secret to these things. If we can't tell each other what's what and whatnot, we're sunk before we've properly set off."  
  
"If you say so, sir. Ah, yes, that's the spot. Sir."

**Author's Note:**

> Come give me a [tumbl](http://hugealienpie.tumblr.com/).


End file.
